I'm never gonna stop the rain by complaining...

...but it's just about time to read something both bitchy and complainey, so I hope you enjoy.

I thought it would be nice to lend my roommate's girlfriend my only umbrella yesterday since I was staying inside watching the greatest show of all time. Turns out, it was a pretty bad idea. Today it is down pouring in East Lansing, and she gave my umbrella back to my roommate so that he could return it to me. Instead, he decided to take my umbrella home to Muskegon with him for some god-awful reason. I had to go wake up his girlfriend at 7:00 a.m. this morning and see if my umbrella happened to be in her room, which it wasn't, but she was nice enough to lend me her fruity little bright green, purple, and light blue umbrella. I didn't really mind, and she is a complete sweetheart who can do much, much better than my blonde dick of a roommate, but I couldn't help but be a little angry that he would take my umbrella home with him for no particular reason.

Now that may or may not have been the dumbest paragraph I have ever written in my entire life, but either way, I decided to make a list of things that my roommate does that makes me sick to my stomach instead of paying attention to my ridiculously easy philosophy class. Here goes nothing...

The blonde-haired, blue-eyed thorn in my side:

• Takes shots of vodka up his asshole
• Pees on kids whilst standing on a tree branch overhanging the sidewalk outside of our building
• Steps on my bed, with his shoes on, immediately after stepping outside onto wet pavement
• Leaves used Q-tips lying on the floor of our room when there is an enormous trash can two feet away
• Uses my hair gel when he has some cheap-ass kind of his own
• Shoots his pimples (yes, puss literally shoots out of his body at least three feet outwards) very, very close to my bed and onto our mirror
• Brings his girlfriend into the room to have sex while I am trying to take a nap two feet away from them
• Wakes me up at midnight by bringing his girlfriend into the room to have sex
• Keeps me up, after waking me up with sex, by making two bags of seemingly bottomless popcorn, and eating them as loudly and obnoxiously as possible
• Crushes up and snorts adderall very loudly while I am hosting an innocent high-school student
• Acquires a prescription to adderall, even with a lack of ADD, through online doctors
• Destroys my only two highlighters without asking to fashion some sort of container for adderall pills, even though he has a prescription (fucking idiot)
• Illegally uses insulin to maximize his body-building, and comes pretty damn close to dying on me when his blood sugar reaches dangerously low-levels
• Turns the big light in our room on (there is a sufficiently illuminating smaller light on our desks) while I am trying to sleep
• Slaps a girl's face, while she is in bed with me
• Calls my girlfriend a bitch to her face
• Leaves a bloody band-aid in my fucking bed
• Claims to be religious, and judges me for not being religious, but does fucking all of the above
• Takes my only fucking umbrella home with him
• And of course, does something that I won't even mention on here, but I will say that it involves steroids (yes, it is much worse than simple usage)

Yes, I know, he is one classy mother fucker; unfortunately I have to write a little paper in-class really quickly, but I plan on adding to this list throughout the next month and a half of rooming with one of satan's minions.

The point of this post is that you shouldn't beat the shit out of your roommate or stoop to his level, by taking a shit in his pillowcase or staging his insulin-related suicide, no matter how much you want to.