Little did I know...

...that it is really all for me.

Today I realized that I am pursuing a career in Broadcast Journalism for myself. Not so that I may become famous, not so that I may help others, or spread the truth, or give a good name to reporters. I am doing this because deep down, I want to better myself.

I had just finished the introduction to Meridian Live, a live show where I lead into a township board's discussion by outlining the meeting's topics. Beforehand, Rob and Kayla had been joking around with me: "don't mess up," etc.

Anyone else would have taken that as a good-hearted joke, but it sent me into a downward spiral of thought and bad memories that I had only seen when anti-depressants were not flowing through my veins. It truly scared me, as the feeling of tears soon followed the memories of being treated poorly by other children during my childhood and being so shy that I would constantly hunch over, sulk my head, keep my eyes on the ground, only worry about what everyone's thinking about me at the moment, and maintain a constant, noticeable sigh.

I have come a long way in a short amount of time. Even my high school peers will remember me as the shy, awkward, quiet kid who refused to speak to many others. I hadn't the slightest bit of confidence until I forced myself to volunteer to be one of Mona Shores High School's news anchors.

From that moment on, I realized how stupid I had been, so much that I blocked out nearly every childhood memory I had up until that point. I embraced the fact that my parents have given me everything they possibly can, that I am definitely in the better looking percentile of people, and it finally clicked that I had no reason whatsoever to be sad about anything. It was all because I forced myself to be put on the spot in front of my entire high school. That was, undoubtedly, the most difficult thing I've ever had to do (and yes, I had to do it). Little did I know that outbursts of depression were right around the corner, and that I would need to be medicated for them.

Before that happened, however, I grew to an almost arrogant level of confidence for a brief period of time. Most of it was in my head, but I no longer chose to put my head down while walking the halls of Mona Shores. I looked people straight in the eye, smiled at them, waved, greeted, high-fived, hugged...I was completely changed. I say I was arrogant because I convinced myself that I was much, much better than everyone else (although I never showed it or let anyone know). It was necessary for me to do that in order to skip the few levels of confidence that I had missed out on during middle school, during which I also kept my eyes on the ground and mouth shut. Hell, I even told my mom to get me prescription sunglasses (which she did) - clearly something that I wanted to hide behind.

My computer is dying because I left my charger at HOMTV, and I have much more I need to say...this is the rough draft of this post after all...but I want to say that...

Little did I know that it is really all for me. I force myself in front of a camera because I want to be the best I can be. Depression had robbed me of my confidence for ten years and I plan on making myself enjoy as much confidence as I can for the rest of my life. By putting myself out there on that news desk in high school, I had felt better than I ever had in my life up until that point. Is it selfish that I want to pursue an honorable career for self-gain? Perhaps. But I think it's necessary; my confidence is clearly not up to par with many others, as displayed by my performance tonight on Meridian Live. I am only happy that I have been given the opportunities that I have taken thus far. I love life. I love my friends. I love people. I never thought that I would ever love any of those things. Journalism has given me confidence, and I want more of it.